It's so amazing to be with someone that you want to be with because they excite you and attract you and fulfill you, as opposed to feeling existentially cornered by the fear of being alone. She's so creative, artistic and intelligent, and sweet, and silly, and brave. She's also utterly beautiful, and I want her every time I see her. I love her so much.
Like any man, I haven't gone blind. I still encounter attractive women in the world when I go out to do things, and I recognize good things about them. I am aware of them -- a man's radar never completely goes away. Being in a relationship doesn't rewire you that profoundly.
But now there's this sort of veneer, this overlay, this tint that seems to gird my mind. Where before I would have longingly admired those women, thought about them the rest of the day, now my eye skates right across them.
It's like an armor--before, these women would have stuck in my mind like arrows or bullets, but now they just bounce right off. My mind is happily full of Jessi; there's no room for anyone else in this mental elevator. A constant feeling of emotional fullness sits inside of me, as if I cannot eat another bite of life. I know that there is a woman waiting for me at home who represents everything I've ever wanted and needed in a life partner, a person who doesn't make me feel as if I can't do any better, but who makes me feel as if I could only do worse. She hits all my buttons, scratches all my itches, dots all my Is and crosses all of my Ts.
Is this satisfaction? Is this what happiness and contentment feel like?
I've been depressed for most of my life. Twenty-five to thirty years, at least. Over time it became my personality, my Eeyore emotional baseline. It's why I almost reached 300lb at one point (stress eating), it's probably why I have bags under my eyes and just generally look rather haggard.
Then 2011 came along, my Afghanistan deployment, with the tumultuous divorce, and consequently, my complete and utter breakdown. The Army put me on Zoloft. I had a lot of crap on my mental plate then because of what was happening, but the overarching depression that had ruled my life until then had been beaten back by the Zoloft. For the first time in my life I could see my depression from the outside and I realized that I could look back and see the dividing line between Old Me and New Me, or perhaps "True Me". I could feel the black-wool texture of depression, I could see the shape and weigh the heft of it because it was no longer all that I knew. Old Me was the depression. I am like a fish that has been pulled out of a life of cold dark water into a warm, dry, sun-lit world. I looked down at the waves, and all of a sudden I knew what an ocean was.
Anyway, I told you that in order to tell you this: Jessi is sort of like that Zoloft. She's shocked me into understanding what life was like without her, and I can't imagine going back to that. With her in my life I am no longer lonely, I no longer pine for someone to fill a gap in my life. She fills it so completely and perfectly that she is like a piece in a jigsaw puzzle. She makes me feel as if I am meant to be here, with her and Jake.
I don't know, I just wanted to express a feeling for a moment. This started off as a Facebook post and got a little long, so I decided to put it on my blog.
Take it easy, folks.